My pathetic life

I got a pet scan today, and the guy doing it read my charts and said, "you're the one with the big spleen, yeah I've heard about you, doctors use the word "enormous" when talking about your spleen, doctors don't usually use that word." I thought that was funny, and I thought if I had to go through all of this I'm glad I have a good story out of it.

It's really weird to think about how I was before cancer and how obvious it is now that I had it. I had class sessions where a teacher stopped his lesson, looked at me, and said, "Amy, do you want to go ahead and go home early? You look really pale, you don't look good." And sure enough I didn't feel good, and I was grateful to go home. I had teachers write me "Amy, are you doing ok? You don't look very good, are you taking care of yourself?" Because I looked sick. I was constantly sweaty, pale, and had sunken eyes with dark circles around them. I would take a shower, and by the time I put on my clothes I was already sweating, soaking the new clothes I put on, winter, summer whenever. I would put makeup on, and I still wouldn't look the way I used to look when I put makeup on, I would STILL be pale, and still have the circles. I remember getting all dressed up, feeling good about myself, so I would post a picture and my sisters would comment, "when was the last time you got your blood checked? you're really pale, I wonder if you're anemic". I looked at my pictures from the year before discovering cancer and every picture I just looked sick, you could tell, I didn't look healthy. I really want to post the pics that I looked at, but I'm on a different computer. It just was so obvious to me that I was sick looking at the pictures. And then there's this picture where you can tell my stomach is growing-

As you can see I am lifting my arms which flattens out your stomach even more, stretching it out, but not my stomach!- I had a round pooch, and sucking in didn't make one difference, I remember that was one thing that got me wondering. No matter how big your stomach is, you can always "suck in" but no matter how much I tried, it didn't affect the shape of my stomach, it didn't change. Then there's this picture:

Where you can kind of tell my stomach is bigger, me totally relaxed, with my stomach sticking out further than my chest. I WISH I would have taken a picture before the surgery, because at the end it really started growing. And after my surgery, my doctor said, "well, you don't look pregnant anymore."

I don't know, lately it's just so strange to me that I even went through cancer, that all of that happened to me. Sometimes I just think and can't believe I have been through chemo, and not the pill kind, but the full meal deal of chemo drugs being pumped into you, and would be a safety hazard if they burst and fell on the floor, it's just so strange to me.

It's also strange because I know I'm supposed to be "happy" now, and "reborn" and balblabal, but- right now I'm really depressed because we live with our inlaws in a basement, and my husband doesn't have a job. I'm grateful that Nate and Brooke have offered their home to us, and that we have enough money to contribute, but that's not what I want, I want my own home, and you get the picture. I'm just so sick of our lives, and I'm wondering when it's ever going to change.

I'm also sick of looking like "I'm all better" when I'm not, having all the time in the world, but no energy to do anything, and the only thing I can do is just wait, the doctor said in a month I can start exercising to start building up strength. Sometimes I think "it's taking forever" but really- it hasn't even been 2 months since my last chemo, and the whole deal takes atleast 6 months, so I still have alot of waiting to to do. I've sewn so much and made so many cards, I'm so sick of it. I think I have enough cards for everyone and their kids for the next 5 years. I hate reading, I have no desire to read whatsoever, we've seen all of our movies, and the world doesn't believe in making good movies anymore- and I don't even mean "wholesome" movies, I mean, good movies that you enjoy-side note- I had been looking forward to seeing "Love Happens" ever since I saw the previews, we rented it the day it came out- and it was so disappointing, Mike and I repeatedly wonder why we even bother seeing new movies, they just don't make good movies anymore. So- back to the other subject, I just have nothing to do. I hate that I have a term left of school, and we don't live in Eugene, so I can't finish right now. I have never done an online class, and we don't have the money even if I wanted to finish, which really irks me because I had the financial aid to finish, but now I don't. I'm also completely out of the school mode, I feel like I wouldn't even remember how to write a paper anyways. I'm basically living to live, and I'm really sick of it, and it's really hard to finish out this last healing process not in the comfort of my own home. Today we went to the Pet scan in Eugene, and I just wanted to cry, all my friends are there, my old ward that i love is there, Trader Joe's is there, UofO is there, it made me really sad. I knew Amy (my old neighbor, one of my best friends) was just around the corner, and that killed me. And her daughter Ahna is growing up and when we saw her a few weeks ago, she seemed so much older and it made me sad that we were missing it. And Amy is pregnant and I'm missing that. And my old ward. I know alot of people would talk about our ward and the quirky people there, but I still loved my ward, and I truly was close to alot of people there, maybe I didn't hang out with them outside of church, but they were like family, I went to church and I felt automatic love and support and friendship, I miss that. I don't know anyone in this Salem ward, and I don't really have a desire to invest friendships when I don't know how long I will even be here. I'm so sick of this situation we are in. So- that's why I haven't been blogging, or emailing, or calling, because I don't really have anything good to say. And I know about positive thinking, and prayer, and faith, and patience, and trials and blblabalb, but I'm just not really there right now, I'm kind of depressed, and sick of trying, and I'm afraid that Heavenly Father might be disappointed in me right now with my attitude, but I just can't really do it right now, and I know we're not supposed to say, "I'll be happy when...." but I really feel that way right now. Mike and I are on an awful sleep schedule of staying up late, and sleeping in late, and we should change it, but it's like, why would I want to get up early, so I can spend THAT many more hours in the day being depressed? So, there you have it, that's my life right now. I'm just grateful that all these meaningless TV shows have started so I have something to look forward to, that's how pathetic my life is right now.

Bachelor review with a video imitating Ali's annoying voice

OK. So, top two will be Tenly and Vienna.

Let's talk about Vienna: Do I like Vienna? No. Do I want her to win? No. BUT- I do understand why Jake likes her, here's why: Jake has been rejected over and over again, he has mentioned how he has had alot of first dates, then he gets the ultimate rejection on the bachelorette, Jake is insecure about being abandoned, so here comes along this girl (Vienna) who worships him, loves him, stocks him :) and so he feels loved by her, he feels safe and secure with her, so he likes her. I don't think she's gorgeous- but he does, and- she's real, she says what she's thinking, and Jake likes that, because the other girls are trying to impress so they don't say everything on their mind, he likes that she is real. So- Jake likes Vienna.

Let's pretend he picks Vienna: Even though I don't want him to pick her, and I'm against it, I do think it would work out, and here's why: because she truly does adore him, and I think that's all Jake needs. He needs someone who is going to worship him because of his insecurity issues, and I really think that if they got married and didn't have the bachelor helicopter, and wine etc. that she would still be obsessed with him, poor or rich. Where as someone like Ali- I think that when hard times come around, she would say- "this is too hard, I think we need a break" Ali seems really into herself, - wait- let's start a new paragraph for Ali:

Ali is driving me crazy. I was rooting for her, and then she got into this whole Vienna mess, gossiping, drama, making scenes, acting like a child, and that REALLY turned me off. Then we get to know her a little better- and she says to Jake "you'd have to tell me to stop checking my email"- it's the FIRST thing she does in the morning, and she's obsessed with her job. That's not what Jake is looking for, it's not a bad thing, it's not a good thing it just is what it is- she's very career- mode- and I think she's very self centered, and negative, and that's not the kind of person Jake is looking for, if they got married, they'd have their honeymoon phase, and then when times get hard, she'd give up- where as- hate to say it, I don't see Vienna doing that, she's obsessed with Jake, and I think that's what Jake needs,which is why- I think it would work for them to be together even though- yowsa, Vienna?

Tenly- I wish he would pick Tenly, they are the same person, nice, good morals, kind, good people, and attractive. BUT- I think this sameness, is putting a tiny clash between them. He likes her, he's attracted to her, he wants to be in love with her,but I don't think he is. I don't see that spark, that glow in his eyes when he talks about Tenly, I have never seen that, and it has to be there to make it work, so it makes me feel like, yeah we all want Tenly to be the winner, but I don't think it's going to happen, there isn't enough SHABANG! in there.

It will be down to Tenly and Vienna, and I'm afraid to say it, but I think he will pick, Vienna. The world will be shocked, angry and bad mouth Jake, which is really sad, but it's going to happen.

Gia: I really like Gia. I think she's smart, beautiful, and really sweet. I like her ALOT, but as Jake said, she is insecure, and I'm worried that is getting in the way. The top two should be Gia and Tenly, but I think it will be Vienna and Tenly. I can't wait for Ali to be sent home over Vienna, that will be a great moment.

I really loved the moment when Ali said, "I'm past all this, I'm not going to talk about Vienna anymore," as she is STILL TALKING ABOUT VIENNA, move on girl, are you really THAT insecure?

Also- Mike said she has voice diarrhea- I can't stand the way she talks- this is how she talks-

I look really ugly in this video, and this was in the morning, so try to ignore the face!

AND- is anyone else so completly excited for LOST to start tonight?! This calls for sparkling cider, chocolate, a parade- LOST IS STARTING TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!

Bachelor Review

Tenly is the best for Jake. Ali is an idiot, I can't stand her drama, her dislike of Vienna, is she really that threatened by Vienna? Doesn't she realize how immature she is being and the true colors she is revealing to the rest of the girls and the world for that matter? Who cares if you don't like her, get over it!

And if Vienna is ALL that bad, why hasn't the producer revealed all her awful moments on the show? Isn't that what the show is all about, getting ahold of all those juicy dramatic moments and revealing it in the previews to get more people to watch the show? But no, they aren't doing that, because she must not be having them, otherwise ABC would be showing it! That's what the show is about, they would reveal it, and make her out to look like an idiot, or spoiled or whatever they want, but they aren't, because they obviously don't exist.

Is she quirky? Yeah! "I want to go last..." are you kidding me? Awkward, weird, but rude and awful and evil? no. so I wish the rest of the girls would get over her, and stop revealing the immature characteristics that they have, and let me look at you in a better light, because you're just making yourself look really bad. Ali was a runner up for me, but her junveline smack talks have ruined her, I can't handle her anymore.

Jake is cutting off the girls left and right but do I blame him? The other girls were ridiculous, so it's fine with me, I just hope they only dump 1 girl a week now, otherwise, we're gonna be going to the hometown dates before we know it.

Can I just say yowsa on the blondie that was all over him on the couch? I was waiting too see some private parts with that skirt, and I loved how awkward the conversation was, they had nothing to talk about, and she was shocked she was sent home?

I love the bachelor, I love the drama, I love the shallowness, I love it all.

OH YEAH- one more thing- did anyone else get the feeling that Chris Harrison was annoyed with Jake? I feel like they really don't like that he's cutting them off so quickly because duh, less money for everyone else, as the show will be ending sooner. I also love how Chris Harrison acts like he is so deeply concerned for Jake's well being. I don't know, he just seems so annoyed any time Jake talks to him.

THIS IS SO GOOD

This is one of my cancer friends Meg, she put this on her blog- and I am simply going to copy and paste this- it does not have to do with cancer, it has to do with a scripture- this is so good, I encourage EVERYONE to read this, especially anyone who feels they are going through hard times:

"He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver." Malachi 3:3

This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God. One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study. That week, the woman called a sliver Smith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver.

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest to burn away all the impurities. The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver." She asked the silver Smith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy--when I see my image in it"

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has his eye on you and will keep watching you until he sees his image in you.

HAIR GROWING!!!!!!!

FROM THIS:
TO THIS!

Do you like the swirly?

Man, if only I lived in Eugene still, I'd pull of a great lesbian.

I HAVE THE COOLEST HUSBAND EVER!!!

Ok, so with all the crafties I've been doing, and no desk to do it on, I designed a desk. I figured out ALL the measurements, plans- everything. I told Mike what to cut, and where to put it- and he screwed it in while I held pieces together. Then I painted it. And here is what we got! Oh yeah- and the whole thing cost- 28 dollars for a large piece of MDF, and 6 dollars for molding, and a pack of screws for ....... can't remember- but I remember the entire desk cost 40 dollars. (The rest of my Christmas money). I have looked around online for the perfect scrapbooking/crafting desk and they are all hundreds of dollars, and even the ones that are 1000 dollars aren't exactly what I'm looking for. I haven't found anything like this. I wanted to store my things vertically instead of horizontally. I didn't want my things stacked ONTOP of my desk, or a MILLION drawers to put each separate color or theme of paper in. This is exactly what I wanted- I love it.

Building process: The Side:

Part of the desk to put things in:

Another part for shelves

Voila!-As you can see it lines my entire sofa, that gives you an idea of how long it is. I wanted it long so I could have plenty of space to spread out- AND- I plan on always having it behind that couch where ever we live. I want it to be out in the open, where the tv is, so I can still be with the rest of the family, instead of hidden away in some craft room. I thought about doing it a fun color like green- BUT- since I plan on always having it in the family room- I thought I'd make it white- so it can always match with my changing decor.

12x12 paper in the first compartment, only 1 inch above the desk, so I can file through it.

another compartment for my card stock, also only 1 inch above desk, to file through

Then same for my little mat stacks (4x6 papers)

An area to put my stamps and pads, level with the desk

area for storage-

other side of desk for more storage- NOW- I know what you're thinking- you make this cool desk and put these ugly boxes in there? WELL, I'm testing out if I even want the boxes there, if I do, then I will cover them with paper and decorate them.

side view, and as you can see my cricut is on top

I'm thinking about putting these tin things here for pencils and markers etc.- I have 5 of them-

I got them from Target in the dollar section. They were originally mail boxes.

These are the boxes, I put a divider in them- so I could put large scraps, and little scraps, but it takes up alot of space, so I'm not sure if I want to do it or not...

I got these from the dollar section at target also- this is where my little scraps go for solids,

And I have the same for printed paper

So if I decide I like my filling system, then I'll just get rid of the boxes, and then that will be all the more storage. I just am testing out both to see which one I like better.

Anyway- is it cool or what? The desk measures 70 inches long total- and around 55 inches that is actual desk to work with, the extra 15 inches is that compartment area.

Anyway- COOL HUH?!!!! And don't I have an awesome husband for helping me do this?! He was so patient with me as I told him what to cut and where to put it as he was totally just trusting me, not understanding why and where things were going, I showed him the picture I drew, but he still couldn't really see the vision until we were done, so he was really great to just trust me and do what I told him to do. But he was the labor- he cut, and screwed, I just held things in place and bossed him around. When we were done, he said, "I really didn't think this was going to work, I am pleasantly surprised, and would be willing to do this with you again." YAY!

cat scan clear, energy expectancy level, and bleo feet

Well, I got my cat scan result back- all clear. He said I still have an enlarged lymph node in my chest, which is a sign of cancer- BUT- he said if I had cancer there it would have showed activity in my pet scan from a few months ago- and it didn't. He said it is probably scar tissue, and if it is, will remain large forever, which is fine. There's just that little voice in my head that says- "what if it is cancer" but- you can't live that way. I asked when my next cat scan would be and he said in a year- I said- "I thought I was going to have them twice a year" and he said "WELL, that would be better, but- cat scans cause cancer in your later years, so the more you get the better chance you have of getting cancer later on, so we're going to just do it once a year" gee, that's comforting, after crying over that one- I have decided to just forget it and not worry, if Heavenly Father wants me to have cancer later- then that's what he wants for me, I'm not going to worry about it for the next 20 years. I'll admit though- I have thought- "ok...well atleast if I have it, my kids will be grown, and old enough to take care of them selves... and my husband will be more mature, better able to deal with it. . . ." So anyway-

I asked him what my energy level is supposed to be because some people have been expecting more out of me then I can give, and the doctor said, "you are completely wiped out, you have had chemo, it has been killing your body, you are wiped out and will be for atleast another 2 months" next question- "is it possible to over sleep?" "absolutely not!" it wasn't a "mmmmm well, no...." it was an automatic "no! not possible" He also told me I'm anemic, and my blood counts aren't all the way back to normal yet.

I have been REALLY tired, and then I'll have these little bursts of energy. We've been at Megan and Greg's and all day I'm so tired, and then, all of a sudden I get this little burst of energy and do the dishes, it feels great when they come- but afterwards I have to sit and be done. We went downtown to look at the touristy shops and that wiped me out. I look normal, I look ALOT better, I have gained some weight, so it looks like I'm fine, but I'm not. I have so much understanding for older people and people that have illnesses like my mother in law who has Rheumatoid Arthritis, who looks fine, but really she is in a lot of pain. I also never understood why she would do things when she probably shouldn't be, but what is she going to do? Sit on the couch and watch TV for the rest of her life? So I have a message for everyone: just because people look like they're "all better" doesn't mean they aren't sick or feeling pain. I really don't want to be old, I am not looking forward to that stage in life. I'm also not looking forward to menopause- as I have had many a hot flash- and soaked the bed with my sweat, and it is not fun.

ANYWAY- we have been here at Megan and Greg's (Greg's parents house). It has been alot of fun. I went shooting for the first time. I shot a 9 millimeter semi automatic. And Mike said I was really good- killed the "bad guy" every time. I was pretty proud of myself, we were going to shoot the 22, but I was too tired.

Mike made me the most amazing desk, but I want to wait until I have pictures of the whole thing to post about that. But- it is incredible!

My hair is starting to grow. My eyebrows look so stupid- and I wish they'd grow back. It's too bad we don't have a good camera, so I could do a close up of my eyelashes and eyebrows and show how thin they are. My eyelashes are still thin, and they still fall out really easily, if I itch my eye at all they fall out. But the hair on the rest of my body, is growing back- it's weird- I'm used to not having hair everywhere and now it's growing back.

I don't know if I've talked about this, but i have what looks like little brown bruises all over my body, and it's from the bleomyacin (one of my chemo's) and I asked the doctor if it was going to go away and he said some people it leaves, some it stays forever. It's hard to tell in this picture, but maybe if you click on it- you can see that my feet look dirty, but really it's just bleomyacin stains. Also part of my big toe has it, I hate it because it looks like I have dirty feet. I have really big streaks of it on my stomach, by my armpits and ankles.

Anyway- I guess that's all for now. Tonight's the Bachelor and I'm so excited! And last night's Desperate Housewive's was so good. I still can't believe I'm not watching 24, I can't because we couldn't watch last seasons, so we're behind, and little did i know, the season came out on DVD in MAY! I could have caught up- uhhh.