living with nate and brooke, Desperate Housewives, chemo almost over, Thanksgiving

Well, what have i been up to. In no particular order:
We live with Nate and Brooke. They are incredibly generous. It's been working out really well because their basement is huge, so it really feels like our own little place. They are alot cleaner than we are. They clean up their dishes immediately after using them. Mike and I ....wait and wait- and sometimes get around to it a few days later. So- we have had to change that habit! It's good though- forming good habits. They have 2 cats. OH MY GOSH. One is pretty non-existent, and the other Jack, is in your face at all times. They had to build a little door thing in our hallway so they wouldn't come in- because Jack just jumps ontop of you, and claws on. Since I am not an animal person, I was scared of the cats for a week, until they grew on me. Now I can pick them up, but they still creep me out when their eyes are red in the dark. Or- if it's dark and I run into one, and then a creature starts moving around in the dark and I have no idea what direction to turn- that is creepy. AND- they have toy mice, and they look real- so that is creepy too. I still can't bring myself to pick a mouse up, even though their fake, they just look too real. Nate and Brooke are incredibly thoughtful- "do you mind if I start a load in the washing machine?" "Uhhhhhhh yeah! IT'S YOUR HOUSE!!!!!" They ask permission for things that are so not necessary, that is how considerate they are. We are really blessed. And it has been fun hanging out with them.

I've been working on my quilt the 3 days before each chemo- and it's added up quite a bit, I was feeling good about myself and then- I saw Amy at chemo and she is all done with her squares, and it looked so good! I can't wait to get the rest done. Maybe I'll take a pic of the progress.

I have watched Desperate Housewives season 1 and 2 and I'm half way through the 3rd. I've already seen 4 and 5, so it's so nice to be filling in all these missing gaps. It has been a great way to pass the time while I can only lay around. I love desperate housewives. I love Gabbi- I love all of them for different reasons.

I'm so excited to be done with chemo. BUT- now, that means I have to go back to school. I will only take one class at first because of my energy level, but I really don't want to go back! I just have to do it though, and get it over with. I have 18 credits left. But ofcourse I have to take 20, because the amount of credits per class don't add up to 18, so that means I'll be taking 5 classes. I figure I will do one this winter, 2 in the spring, and 2 in the summer. The first one might be online, which will be nice since I'll still be trying to get the hang of things- but I've never done an online class- and that makes me nervous. I really dread the idea of going back to school, BUT- it would be a waste to quit when i only have 18 credits left.

I'm so excited to be done with chemo but it is really weird to think that I won't be getting it anymore. It's become a part of my life, my identity, and suddenly I won't be the cancer girl, the chemo girl, the bad days, now I will be just amy, and that feels weird to me. I also don't know how I'm going to handle the whole not worrying about my cancer coming back, but we'll deal with that later.

I'm so excited to feel good again. I'm excited to get dressed everyday, to wear makeup, to wear cute clothes, to feel like a girl again. To shower without a piccline. Can't wait to get rid of that.

Thanksgiving was pretty good- I managed to eat some turkey and sweet potatoes and a slice of blackberry pie. Since that day- it all makes me want to barf thinking about it. So no left overs for me- it was definitely a different thanksgiving, no stuffing myself.

11 down, 1 to go

can you believe it? Yesterday I had my 11th chemo, and in 2 weeks hopefully I have my last.

My WIGS!!!!! and American Girl doll stuff

So I can wear my bangs swept to the side or downNow my longer wig!So, I can wear it bangs down, or swept to the side And the one we got for free- it's pretty va va voom, I think I'll only wear it in a pony tail style because it's pretty YOWSA.

Brookster in the Bambi wig

These are the American Girl Doll doll stuff I've been making

These are the real life girl skirts

This is a necklace my sister Lizzie gave me- I LOVE IT. It has charm with M for Mike and A for Amy, and one that says "love".

I LOVE my dark hair wigs. I feel like myself again. I love it. OH yeah- and in real life- they ARE NOT SHINY, but the flash makes them shiny in the pictures.

I can't get pregnant for 2 years....and I only have 2 more treatments!

So disappointing. So turns out- originally the doctor was thinking 6 months- so the chemo would be out of my body- but he forgot about the cat scans.... I have to get 2 cat scans a year for 2 years- You can't get cat scans when you're pregnant. So I have to wait 2 years to get pregnant. I'm turning 25 tomorrow, so I can't start trying until I'm 27, so I probably won't have a baby until I'm 28 :( That's not what I was planning. I was planning on getting pregnant in 6 months! And that was already longer than I wanted. I've been wanting to have a baby for a long time, but waited until I was done with school, then the cancer happened, then I was told probably a 6 months wait- and now- I find out 2 years. I'm so disappointed, and it's still not really real to me, but I'm trying to look on the bright side of things. We'll be more financially stable, we'll probably have a house by then, I will be so much healthier. I'll be able to have some normalcy in my life before getting pregnant and staring a whole new journey of stress. Mike will experience me for the first time not being sick. And- I'll be able to decorate my house the way I want, if I had a baby, I probably wouldn't have the time or energy to decorate like I want to. I can learn how to cook better, and be a better housewife in general, and definitely finish school. So- I have to look at the positives. It's just that, I would never choose to wait to get those things, I'd much rather have a baby, but- it's just the way it is. So I will for sure be the last person to have a baby in my family, and possibly in the winegardner family, it doesn't matter who is last, it's just not what I was imagining. And I never imagined having my first baby at that age. I know so many people have babies way later than that!- it's just not what I was envisioning, but alot of things haven't gone as planned!- Anyway- so that's that.

Got a pulmonary test Monday, a test for your lungs. They do that with my regiment, because after a certain point, one of the (bleomycin) can damage your lungs. And sure enough- I haven't damaged my lungs, but there is scar tissue- and if I receive any more bleomycin, then I will have lung damage, so no more bleomycin. So I'm sitting in chemo- and I here a nurse say, "doc just called, no more bleo" what? why? they call the doctor and I talk to him, he said it is the weakest out of the four, and I have received 9 treatments of it, and that is plenty, and it will not affect my success rate. So kind of strange, but fine I guess. It is harder for me to breathe. How do I explain this?..... Not like I'm out of breath, it's just harder for me to take a breath, and when i sit up from laying down- or stand up from sitting down- it's like there's a large heart beat in my throat.

One thing that was strange when I received the pulmonary test was the guy doing it said, "wow, Hodgkin's has come a long way. In the 70's the success rate was not high, most people died from it, and now- almost everyone survives, that wasn't very long ago! The have come so far. (and then the funny part...) I mean, we're still seeing the 70's fashion on some people, and heck- tv- we're still watching shows from the 70's - that's saying somethin!" it was kind of funny, but amazing how far it has come, I'm so grateful I was born today- and not then.

I have 2 more treatments left! can you believe it? I've received 10! When I'm in pain, it feels like it's never going to end, and so far away- but overall- it has gone by really fast, and I can't believe I'm sitting here, writing that I only have 2 treatments left! I can't believe I've gone through this 10 times! I just got chemo yesterday, I'll have one the day before thanksgiving, (that date has been changed many times- but it is officially the day before thanksgiving) and then I'll have one dec 9th. - and then done! I wonder if I'll be up for school in January? Not sure about that.

I almost forgot- we live with Brooke and Nate now, Mike's brother. They have a huge basement that they don't use- so we live down there. So far it's been working out really well. We are really blessed, they are very generous.

The movie wasn't "Push" it was "Precious"

Brother. Ok so I talked to my sister Danielle, and she's like, "by the way- that post you wrote about the movie "Push" that's about people with special powers, did you get the right movie?" And I'm like- OHhhhhhhhh it's "Precious". So- just had to write that incase you all thought I was sickened by the movie "Push", with Dakota Phanning, about having special powers. We laughed so much over it because we kept imagining people imagining me wanting to barf over the Dakota Phanning movie, and "I feel so sick I can't even tell you what it's about...." those special powers are just too hard to swallow!- Ok- I'm done now.

I feel like barfing, but not because of cancer

I feel like barfing because I watched an awful trailer "Push". I was watching Ellen, and she interviewed the actor in an upcoming movie, produced by Oprah, based on one of her best sellers list. So ofcourse I get curious with all the hype and youtube "Push trailer". Awful. It's one of those things I will think about for a few weeks, and wish I could get it out of my head. I can never see that movie. It's an awful story, it is heart wrenching. I'm really curious about the reviews, awards etc. but- I don't think I will follow any of it- because then I'll become obsessed. I was afraid to even put this on the blog- because now my sisters will youtube it- and become disturbed- so just DON'T youtube it. And it's based on real things that happen to real people- and I just can't get that part out of my head. Uhhhhhhhhhhhh. Why did I watch that!? I also ofcourse read what the book is about- that part made me more sick.

OK- onto other things: did my lab today, I'll get chemo tomorrow. I've had some questions that I've been meaning to ask my doctor but keep forgetting, so I finally wrote them down, and asked him. these were my questions:

Can I pass this cancer down to my children? No, absolutely not.

When can i get pregnant? He said 3 months after chemo, but he wants to research that and make sure, he said "that's not a question I usually get" makes sense since most people who get cancer are done having kids!

how do i know when I'm cured? If 5 years have gone by and it hasn't come back then I am cured. And since I entered remission so quickly I have an 80%-90% chance of being cured.

How long do I get pet/cat scans after chemo? I will get another pet scan when I'm done with chemo, then I will get a cat scan every 6 months for 3 years. Then I asked "well, then how do you know if I have in 5?" and he said- "oh we'll do a scan" so- i don't understand that- I'm assuming I will get it every year the last 2 years, and then even after that ever so often.

Cat scan result from last week?- the mass in my chest has gone from 4.3 centimeters to 1.8 centimeters- so that's good. I asked him what it was originally- and he said 9 centimeters, which is very large. Also- I have an ovarian cyst!

New question: why do I have an ovarian cyst? Will it affect birth, pregnancy ect? is it caused from my cancer? No, no no. It was not caused by my cancer, it is just something they found in the scan, and he said it will not affect birth or pregnancy. He said it is 5 centimeters. I asked if we had to do anything for it, and he said it would take care of itself, and that it is not a big deal. Weird.

Night sweats: anything I can do for that? Last night I had to change everything I was wearing, then wipe myself off with a towel, change my entire pillow (how can your neck produce that much sweat?) rip off sheets, lay a towel down, put new clothes on, try to sleep. he said take an advil or alieve before bed. He said this is from my chemo.

What will i feel like after chemo is all done? he said 2-3 months I will feel 85% normal. 6 months- I will feel normal. But- all my mom's friends that have cancer said it took them a year to feel normal. Anyway-

There's alot of stuff I want to blog about- cancer feelings. I've had alot lately. Alot going through my mind. BUT- I need to pack. and by the time I update- I'm tired! And have no room left to type. Another day.

My cancer schedule:

Some of you have asked when my last treatment is. I have completed 8 treatments, and I have 4 more to go. This week I have one, so after this week only 3! My last day will be December 10th. After that I will get Cat scans every 3 months for 1-2 years, then every 6 months, then every year- they keep track of you for a long time to make sure it doesn't come back. I am not "cured" but I am in remission.